Let me make this clear: If you are seriously ill, particularly with a terminal illness, do not hesitate. Let people know. Especially let your family know. Don’t be shy. Don’t assume they would not care or would only have their lives disrupted.
Tell them. Don’t procrastinate. If the news is too painful to talk about, send an email or a text. Send a hand-written letter. Ask a family member to spread the news. Do whatever you must, but Let People Know.
I mention this because an unexpected phone call this week informed my wife and me that my brother-in-law was terminally ill with cancer. His caregiver said he’d been diagnosed a few months ago. We were not informed. Now he’s in unbearable pain most of the day and cannot receive visitors. His caregiver expects his death in a few days, maybe only hours. He lives a four-hour drive away.
We appreciate the call; we are glad someone remembered to let us know. We deeply regret that, because of his condition, we cannot offer comfort or sympathy with an in-person visit. We cannot reminisce with him. We cannot share a funny story with him, although our relationship over nearly 50 years has always been light-hearted as we shared jokes and humorous observations.
This pattern of not telling family members sad news, especially about illnesses, has a long history in my family. A dozen years ago, my sister-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We found out about it through a Facebook post, which was vague and unrevealing. Should we go to visit her (a day’s drive away) or not? We never got an answer to the question we were reluctant to ask. Only when she died did I receive a call from my grief-stricken brother.
Another branch of the family adhered to our mother’s family’s tradition: Be stoic, don’t complain, don’t tell people outside the family. When my sister received a frightening diagnosis eight years ago, she swore her husband and daughters to silence about her condition. They didn’t break the code, but one niece sent a message to my brother, saying only, “Call your sister.” When he made that call (and then I made a similar call), we learned that she had terminal cancer. As a result, we had few opportunities to talk to her, reminisce, and express love and thankfulness for her life. She died one month after diagnosis.
So, please, if your news is bad, that’s all the more reason to share it. There is nothing to hide and everything to gain. No one likes being the bearer of bad news, but bad news is better than no news at all.
This article was written June 9, 2021. I spoke by telephone to my brother-in-law three times and had "just like old times" conversations about music (he was an avid collector of record albums), our lives, times we spent together, and our mutual feeling of helplessness against illness. They were good conversations, and he told me twice, "you don't know how much this means to me."
To both of us.
He died in October, and we attended a somber, empty-feeling funeral.
Let people know!
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