This post was published in the Wilson Times Oct. 12, 2019.
A Miss Manners column posted
Sept. 30 asked the provocative question, “Are dinner parties dead?”
Miss Manners, AKA Judith
Martin, concludes that, yeah, they probably are dead.
In a world of “Bowling
Alone” (Robert Putnam’s 2000 book about the loss of “social capital,” the
connectedness and sharing of people’s lives, in America today) if bowling
leagues, civic clubs, fraternal organizations and other forms of communal,
civic and social engagement are all faltering, why shouldn’t dinner parties go
the way of buggy whips and slide rules?
Miss Manners admits that
Americans don’t “entertain” the way they used to. It once was standard
procedure in good neighborhoods to invite the new neighbors over for dinner,
and the new neighbors would reciprocate the favor. On practices as simple as
this are strong neighborhoods and close neighbors formed.
But in a world of two-earner
households, long, tiring hours at work, corporate expectations of 10-hour days
and six-day workweeks, no one has time for dinner parties. We hardly have time
to eat a snack at our desks.
The few who do welcome the
new neighbors to the neighborhood are more likely to offer dinner at a nearby
restaurant rather than a home-cooked meal in the home. This is the result of
rising numbers and varieties of restaurants as well as the stressed home life
(who has time to clean and bake?) of today’s couples.
Not long after I moved into
our current home, an old friend stopped to tell me he had lived on this short street
and enjoyed the hospitality of neighbors several times a week when he and the
neighborhood were much younger. There were dinner parties, potlucks, card
games, and other social gatherings to fill nearly every weeknight. Now, I try
to learn the names of the people on this same street and have some difficulty
with that.
Americans have grown more
insular and secluded, Putnam’s study showed. Many people would rather sit in
front of the television every night and ignore the outside world.
Unfortunately, good
neighborhoods, good communities, and good cities didn’t become that way because
people sat in their dens and ignored the outside world. The abandonment of
formal dinner parties can be seen in the fire-sale prices for entertainment
dishes and utensils. If no one throws fancy dinners, no one wants or needs
fancy dishes, matching china and sterling silver flatware, so the specialty
gift stores that used to rely on weddings, anniversaries and other special
occasions to drive their sales are struggling or already closed. Changing
habits have economic impacts.
When I moved to Wilson
almost 40 years ago, the level of civic involvement deeply impressed me. A
multitude of civic clubs offered opportunities to make the city better.
Nonprofits also flourished here and did outstanding work addressing a variety
of needs. The local United Way was strong, with top executives of nearly every
business in town participating in the annual United Way campaigns. Political
meetings attracted big crowds.
Wilson still has strong
civic club and nonprofit sectors, but even here the “bowling alone” syndrome is
evident. Demanding jobs, two-earner households and the lure of ready,
economical, on-demand, in-home entertainment have dwindled the number of civic
activists, even here, in a city I once described as “feeling like a small
town,” even though it is a small to mid-size city.
Reviving dinner parties may
be next to impossible, but it’s not too late to work on that social capital
Putnam recognized. More participation in the daily life of the city or
neighborhood can have far-reaching consequences and make this community (dare
we say it?) a better place.