Dinner Parties, "Bowling Alone" and social capital

This post was published in the Wilson Times Oct. 12, 2019.

A Miss Manners column posted Sept. 30 asked the provocative question, “Are dinner parties dead?”

Miss Manners, AKA Judith Martin, concludes that, yeah, they probably are dead.

In a world of “Bowling Alone” (Robert Putnam’s 2000 book about the loss of “social capital,” the connectedness and sharing of people’s lives, in America today) if bowling leagues, civic clubs, fraternal organizations and other forms of communal, civic and social engagement are all faltering, why shouldn’t dinner parties go the way of buggy whips and slide rules?

Miss Manners admits that Americans don’t “entertain” the way they used to. It once was standard procedure in good neighborhoods to invite the new neighbors over for dinner, and the new neighbors would reciprocate the favor. On practices as simple as this are strong neighborhoods and close neighbors formed.

But in a world of two-earner households, long, tiring hours at work, corporate expectations of 10-hour days and six-day workweeks, no one has time for dinner parties. We hardly have time to eat a snack at our desks.

The few who do welcome the new neighbors to the neighborhood are more likely to offer dinner at a nearby restaurant rather than a home-cooked meal in the home. This is the result of rising numbers and varieties of restaurants as well as the stressed home life (who has time to clean and bake?) of today’s couples.

Not long after I moved into our current home, an old friend stopped to tell me he had lived on this short street and enjoyed the hospitality of neighbors several times a week when he and the neighborhood were much younger. There were dinner parties, potlucks, card games, and other social gatherings to fill nearly every weeknight. Now, I try to learn the names of the people on this same street and have some difficulty with that.

Americans have grown more insular and secluded, Putnam’s study showed. Many people would rather sit in front of the television every night and ignore the outside world.

Unfortunately, good neighborhoods, good communities, and good cities didn’t become that way because people sat in their dens and ignored the outside world. The abandonment of formal dinner parties can be seen in the fire-sale prices for entertainment dishes and utensils. If no one throws fancy dinners, no one wants or needs fancy dishes, matching china and sterling silver flatware, so the specialty gift stores that used to rely on weddings, anniversaries and other special occasions to drive their sales are struggling or already closed. Changing habits have economic impacts.

When I moved to Wilson almost 40 years ago, the level of civic involvement deeply impressed me. A multitude of civic clubs offered opportunities to make the city better. Nonprofits also flourished here and did outstanding work addressing a variety of needs. The local United Way was strong, with top executives of nearly every business in town participating in the annual United Way campaigns. Political meetings attracted big crowds.

Wilson still has strong civic club and nonprofit sectors, but even here the “bowling alone” syndrome is evident. Demanding jobs, two-earner households and the lure of ready, economical, on-demand, in-home entertainment have dwindled the number of civic activists, even here, in a city I once described as “feeling like a small town,” even though it is a small to mid-size city.

Reviving dinner parties may be next to impossible, but it’s not too late to work on that social capital Putnam recognized. More participation in the daily life of the city or neighborhood can have far-reaching consequences and make this community (dare we say it?) a better place.