This solitary man is an introvert

"I'll be what I am, a solitary man."
                         — Neil Diamond

Since I took a Myers-Briggs personality test about 20-25 years ago, I have often thought myself fortunate to be judged an INTJ — Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging. The person who administered the tests to the department managers where I worked said an INTJ like me would be happiest as a researcher in a think-tank or academic setting. I would love sitting in a library carrel every day doing research, learning something new. And I thought, "Yeah! You nailed it!"

Other personality types need human interaction. Some extroverts can't start their day without checking in first with their co-workers. Human contact is essential for them. Not so much for me.

After a traumatic layoff 10 years ago, I worked at two jobs at which I was the only employee in the office. It was not exactly the library carrel I subconsciously yearned for, but it was a job where I could work at my own pace, concentrate on tasks without fear of interruption, and enjoy the solitude.

Retirement a year ago, as you might imagine, continued my solitary ways. With my wife still working, the only "person" I had to talk to was our dog. It has been a retirement that has suited my personality and my working style. And the dog seems to have enjoyed our conversations and long walks.

It's not that I purposely avoided human contact, either in my career or in retirement. I have sought out old friends and former co-workers for conversations. While conversation is not a "need" for me as it is for other personality types, I do enjoy seeing people, catching up and sharing thoughts.

In another week, my wife will retire, and we will test the plans we have dreamed of for years. We will have time — to read, to write, to revive old hobbies, to nourish friendships and family relationships, to develop new skills, to reconnect with people from the past, to travel, to walk together and practice good exercise and good diet, to see our children and grandchildren more.

This new reality will give us the opportunity we have only rarely had — to be together without other people for extended periods of time. In the past few years, our longest uninterrupted times together have come on long drives. While neither of us is extroverted or dependent upon contact with other people, we do cherish our time together, especially now as we face what are, no doubt, our final years together. 

This opportunity reminds me of the wisdom from Ecclesiastes Chapter 4, which was read at our younger daughter's wedding:

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?" 

I eagerly anticipate the warmth of our final years together. 

Young adults see marriage as unimportant

A new poll indicates that marriage is not particularly popular among the younger generation — the folks that, traditionally, would be tying the knot right about now. It's no secret that the age of marriage has been increasing for decades. Earlier in the 20th century, when most men went straight to the workforce after high school and most women were wed by then or earlier, the age of marriage hoovered around age 20. With increases in post-secondary education postponing the time available for building families, and with economic upheaval making marriage and families less attainable, the age of marriage has increased into the later 20s.

It should come as no surprise that today's young adults are less enchanted with marriage and less focused on getting married. For some, marriage might seem like an unattainable dream; for others, it's irrelevant to their careers or their carefree lifestyle because, if nothing else, marriage adds duties and responsibilities to life. For some young adults, duties and responsibilities are not desirable burdens, and the pleasures of marriage and parenthood are available outside of marriage and even without the responsibilities.

This is a marked change in attitude and expectations. My late mother-in-law used to ruefully tell of how my father-in-law proposed to her. After a few dates, he told her, "I guess we'll have to get married." They had found each other; marriage was the logical and inevitable result. That expectation is rapidly disappearing. Not only is marriage no longer the expected result of a relationship, it might not even be considered.

That seismic change is foreboding. Marriage and families have been the building blocks of society and civilization for centuries. In different ways in different cultures, the civil and religious rites of marriage sealed the responsibilities of spouses and parents in a way that benefited civil society and even the economy. The vaunted "Protestant work ethic" was all about taking responsibility for supporting family, not competing with other workers.

If today's young adults avoid the bonds of marriage and its responsibilities, fewer adults will take on the burdens of parenting and civic leadership. Fewer adults will feel a need to build policies that benefit the next generation and that protect marriages and families. Without marriage and family, it is easy to live for the moment and not worry about what tomorrow might bring. Without a commitment to children and grandchildren, public education becomes less important, economic opportunity less essential, neighborhood quality less meaningful and moral conduct less desirable.

If marriage becomes archaic, society will suffer.

Marriage loses ground from unexpected angle

That marriage is in trouble is no surprise — a pundit recently commented that only gays appear to be interested in getting married these days — but the fact that marriage is in trouble among traditionally conservative, working-class Americans is a bit of a shock. This "Talk of the Nation" report took me by surprise Monday. A new study indicates that Middle Americans, the majority of the population who have high school degrees but no college diplomas, are falling away from marriage. More and more Americans are not just "living together" out of wedlock but raising children, too, and, essentially, thumbing their noses at what was once a societal mandate — that marriage would come before child-rearing.

And they're perfectly happy with the new arrangement, and society seems, at worst, indifferent to the shift in mores. The callers to "Talk of the Nation" are very much like some of the callers I heard from when I was writing for a newspaper and wrote a column about the decline of marriage. The gist of my callers' argument was: We've seen marriages fall apart, and we want no part of it. It's nobody's business if we have children without being married.

One of the possible reasons "Talk of the Nation" offered for this revolution is the portrayal of marriage in popular media. Today's television series (and I'll have to take their word for this because I don't watch these shows) do not extol marriage. Current situation comedies and "reality shows" portray divorced pairs, stepchildren, unwed moms, unwed dads, unhappy married couples, etc., etc. That's a seismic shift from the way families were portrayed a generation ago on "Father Knows Best," "The Waltons," "The Dick Van Dyke Show," "Cosby" and other popular shows. Media portrayals do affect culture and ethical standards.

If there is any glimmer of hope in this report, it is the revelation that among college-educated professionals, marriage is more popular and marriages are more stable than was the case a generation ago. If what Karl Marx called the "intelligentsia" are actually opinion leaders, perhaps the Silent Majority of Middle America will come around, led by the better-educated. But I've seen nothing in recent years to make me think the popular majority are following the lead of the better-educated or better-informed. On the contrary, it seems more likely that we will all be dismantled to the lowest common denominator of ethics, compassion, responsibility and restraint.

If Gores can't stay married, who can?

Al and Tipper Gore's announcement this week that they are separating after 40 years of marriage shouldn't bother me, but it does. I have not been a big fan of Gore, whom I met briefly in 1987 or '88 when he was running for the Democratic presidential nomination (he dropped out not long after I met him at a campaign speech at Barton College). Nuclear disarmament was his cause then, and he was as earnest about it as he is about global warning now.

It had appeared to me, through Gore's vice presidency and the 2000 presidential campaign, that Gore had a solid, stable marriage with a good woman. They had faced some adversity in their lives and had been each other's support in crisis. They had enjoyed some success as well. The famed kiss when Tipper introduced Al at the Democratic Convention in 2000 seemed overdone but somehow endearing as well. The Gores were close in age to me and my wife, and they had married just a year before we had.

While political and celebrity marriages often aren't meant to last, the Gores' seemed to be the exception. Some analysts are saying their separation is typical of the difficulty of maintaining a relationship over a period of decades. Even couples who get through the early years of adjustment, frustration and temptation might not be able to swim the latter years when marriage might seem less purposeful and goal-oriented. The Gores said they had "grown apart."

I find myself still looking forward to a future that is tied inextricably to the togetherness we've known for 39 years, but maybe I'd better be cautious about any signs of divergent interests and emotional detachment. I'd like to get beyond whatever it was that tore the Gores apart.

A marriage that defies the odds

The wedding 39 years ago today could hardly have been less promising. He was a month shy of completing a college degree, and the omen of a low draft number was hanging over his head. She would give up her collegiate ambitions and sublimate her goals to his. They had known each other only a few months. Few would have bet on the longevity of their relationship.

But there was more there than the outward appearances would have shown. "Do you believe in a love at first sight?" the Beatles had sung just a few years before, and neither of this couple would have replied positively. Yet something had clicked between them when they first met. Within days or weeks, they knew. They just knew. They could spend their life — not lives; one singular life — together and be very happy. Or they could spend their lives separately and be miserable.

Here is what the odds that sunny April day that ended in thunderstorms didn't show: A good marriage is the embodiment of divine grace — an undeserved favor. Two people grow into the realization that they don't deserve each other but that they are better as one than they could ever be apart. Now that marriage that began so uncertainly has lasted twice as long as she had lived up to that Friday afternoon in 1971. Today is a wedding anniversary, but it is also the birthday celebration of a new life, one far better and far longer than I could have imagined 39 years ago. We have reared children and welcomed grandchildren; we have survived loss and disappointment; we have comforted each other; we have encouraged each other. We have occasionally disagreed but never fought.

"Grow old along with me" said Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and we have done that. Today, 39 years into this new life, I can only hope to have many more years of sharing a life with the woman who made me whole.

Recession's impact extends to society

The recovery is upon us. Long live the recovery.

But not so fast. Recent articles are predicting that this recession that is officially, statistically in the past, might linger for years, even a decade. The New York Times is proclaiming the arrival of what it calls "the new poor." Long term unemployment — meaning more than six months — is at the highest level ever recorded. The United States has kept track of this statistic since 1948. In January, 6.3 million Americans were in the long-term unemployed category. For people who are unemployed for a long time, the job market is increasingly frustrating. And a long period of unemployment raises doubts in the minds of potential employers. "If this guy was any good, why hasn't he found a job before now?"

In a long and depressing article, the march Atlantic magazine peers into the economic future and sees gloom and doom. Writer Don Peck points out that there is more at stake here than a few economic statistics. Long-term unemployment and under-employment can transform society. Some cities may become hopelessly dysfunctional because of a lack of jobs. When people are out of work for a long time and their government benefits give out, they turn to whatever they can to survive, including robberies, larcenies and drug dealing. Lingering unemployment will affect the institution of marriage, Peck says. Men don't think about marriage, and women don't want to marry them, when they're unemployed. Unemployment is already affecting marriage and relationships. Men accustomed to being breadwinners are disproportionately affected by this recession. Their self-esteem and self-worth are damaged, and this affects their relationships with wives and girlfriends. In some areas, marriage might fade away among a working class frustrated and embittered by the lack of jobs.

The recovery from each recession over the past 20 years has been slow to rebuild the jobs that were lost, and job growth has slowed more with each recovery. We're almost certainly going to face unemployment in the high single digits for the 2010 and 2012 elections, and these numbers will have political repercussions. Jobs will be harder to find, especially for older males in declining industries, and those available will go only to the well-prepared and most fortunate. Unless new tax and tariff policies bring back some of the manufacturing jobs that have been lost to foreign competitors, there seems to be little hope of keeping the social fabric knit together.

The rending of the social fabric and the loss of communitarian identity and involvement, which has already begun, is even more frightening than a double-digit unemployment rate.

Staying together after marriage

Before we had been married a year, a military commitment took me away from my wife for four months (though we did manage to work in some weekends together). When that was over, I promised her that we'd never spend another night apart.

Silly me!

We have, of course, spent some nights apart over the past 38 years, and this week we're spending a longer stretch apart than we've endured in many years. There have been brief hospitalizations, business trips (though I was fortunate enough to take my wife and children along to many of the newspaper meetings I attended) and family commitments that kept us apart. This week, my wife is helping out following the birth of our newest grandchild (number six, if you're counting), providing the invaluable help she never got because her mother died before our children were born. I know she's enjoying it far more than spending her days at work and her nights with an old man she can just barely remember as young.

I also spent some time there and tried to make myself useful, but there really wasn't much for me to do, and I returned home in the vain hope that I might be called for a job interview and with the knowledge that I could more readily job hunt and fill out applications from home. Besides, the dog was happy to see me.

The biblical description of marriage, that "the two shall become one flesh," can be read as good advice. Couples who match their schedules to each other's and spend the maximum amount of time together — eating meals together, getting up at the same time, going to bed at the same time, sharing chores, travels and hobbies — become a new creation, two lives merged into one. A friend from years ago described marriage this way, that it's not really two people becoming one but two halves, each incomplete without the other, becoming whole. Anyone who has been blessed with a good marriage knows what a miracle that transformation is. I have described it as the embodiment of divine grace, that is, an undeserved gift.

One phrase from a relatively unknown John Denver song ("Back Home Again") perfectly captures the rhapsody of marital life: "It's the sweetest thing I know of, just spending time with you." (Be patient, the quoted phrase comes more than three minutes into the song.)