Children need discipline and rules

Is there an adult in the house?

In some (maybe many) households, apparently not. A recent letter to Washington Post advice columnist Carolyn Hax exemplifies the problem. The writer complained to Hax that her in-laws criticized her child-rearing techniques, which, judging from the letter, were not child-rearing techniques at all. The writer and her husband had agreed upon "admittedly somewhat lax" rules for their two sons because the parents found the "noise and energy" to be "fun."

Since at least the 1970s, some parents have approached child-rearing with the attitude that they should preserve the chaotic, free-spirited, disrespectful anarchy of 2-year-olds. Their concept seems to be that children are born perfect and are only constrained and limited by societal rules and expectations. Therefore, these parents banish rules, etiquette, respect for others (especially elders), self-restraint, compassion and helpfulness from the home. It's "Lord of the Flies" for toddlers.

What children need from their parents is not freedom of expression but discipline, order and orientation into society. Children are not born knowing that they should be kind to others and respectful of elders (including their parents) any more than they are born knowing how to tie their shoes. These are learned responses, and if they are not learned early in life, children will have increasing difficulty as they grow older. Elementary schools will expect them to be considerate, to not talk out of turn, to sit quietly at appropriate times and to obey teachers and others in authority. Middle and high schools will expect them to be responsible and self-disciplined and to complete the work assigned to them. Colleges and careers will expect them take on greater responsibilities. Those children who have been reared on the "wilding" theory of child development will have enormous difficulty adjusting to the realities of the world outside of their free-spirited, responsibility-free home.

The letter to Hax raises another issue — the diminution of grandparents' roles. In other societies, village elders were respected for their experience. All grandparents have experience in child-rearing, and their opinions should be respected. Grandparents may not be current on the latest baby gadgets, online resources or nutritional advances, but they know a lot about comforting a child and teaching manners — skills that do not change from one generation to another.

My wife and I are blessed to have wonderful grandchildren who are being reared with the appropriate combination of love and discipline, by parents to know that "to love" is "to discipline." You can see that I found Hax's response a bit too considerate of the mom's undisciplined approach. This episode is more than a disagreement between parents and grandparents over parenting styles; it is a gamble with two little boys' futures. Parenting is the hardest job anyone will ever have; not disciplining and teaching children amounts to playing hooky from the most important job in life.