Handling disappointment is part of being mature

I watched the Super Bowl, pulling for the Carolina Panthers all the way, just as I had through the regular season, hoping they might go undefeated. I was badly disappointed at the outcome, but it's only a football game.

After the game, Panthers QB Cam Newton took it a lot harder, as he should have. He had a lot more invested than I or any fan did. My disappointment was a tiny flicker compared to the bonfire burning within him. Nevertheless, I find Newton's behavior at the post-game news conference inexcusable. He was sullen. He hid beneath a hooded sweatshirt. He refused to answer questions, and he stalked out. That's just not the way a person with any sense of class or decent manners behaves.

I had been a fan of Newton since his days at Auburn (my daughter-in-law is an Auburn alumna), and I appreciated his child-like exuberance and his obvious joy at playing the game. None of this, however, excuses his ill behavior toward others after the Super Bowl ended.

His response to the inevitable criticism of that behavior only made matters worse. His rationale: "I am who I am. If you don't like it, that's your problem," or words to that effect. Newton is not alone in this attitude. In fact, this attitude might be the predominant one among entire generations of mostly youthful adults. That doesn't make it any less inexcusable.

This attitude had been widely proclaimed on a number of enigmatic Facebook posts a few years ago. They went like this: "I like the way I am. I'm not going to change. If you don't like it, get over it." This attitude has become prevalent, perhaps because public schools placed a high value on "self-esteem," and many parents were so busy giving their young children positive reinforcement that they failed to ever discipline them or punish unacceptable behavior. The "back to nature" movement of the 1970s also included a notion among some that children are born perfect, and society (especially parents) must not change them and ruin their perfectness.

That's a reversal of untold generations of child-rearing efforts that emphasized acclimating the child to the expectations of society — teaching good manners, respect for others, discipline, obedience, sympathy, empathy and all the other attitudes, talents and skills society values.

It's OK to be disappointed at a loss. It's OK to grieve. But it's not OK to be sullen, disrespectful of others and even antagonistic or angry toward people who were not responsible for your disappointment.

Instead of falling back on the "I'm me, and I'm happy this way, so it's your problem if you don't like it" excuse, a role model (which Newton certainly is) could improve society by modeling the kind of attitude and behavior that respects other people and accepts a world where my own selfish interests and concerns are not the most important things.

Grandchildren help revive old memories

It was something akin to lopping 30 years off our ages. For the weekend (or at least for part of it), my wife and I watched over two grandchildren. The inventive playing, in which a few chairs and a few blankets can be a fort, the discussions of dinner and snacks, the reading of books at bedtime, the tucking in, the resounding quiet after they fell asleep all carried me back to the time when these two's mother and her two siblings kept our household in high gear.

On Sunday afternoon, we delivered the grandchildren to their home and hung around for a Christmas program at their church. This event carried me back even further, to the time when I was the preschooler on stage for a children's program. In my infantile mind, I was not persuaded that my voice was needed on the songs, so I attempted a child's version of lip-syncing as the other children sang, and my fakery was so inept that I merely opened and closed my mouth, as if taking big bites from the air. I even tried to get the boy next to me to follow my lead. Punishment fed by embarrassment awaited me when I got home.

I'm happy to say my grandchildren were much better behaved than I had been in that memorable church program. Although this day and night of reliving what it means to be parents brought back memories of what our lives were like decades ago, the experience did not revive my energy or wipe the years from my face and scalp. The years pile up without notice until some event registers the toll. You can recapture the memories or make them more vivid, but you cannot recover the years or correct the mistakes.

The grandchildren, who are the bonuses of a long life, help their grandparents keep alive the memories of all the good years of their own childhoods, the joys (and awesome responsibilities) of raising young children, and the satisfaction of seeing your own children mature and build lives of their own. 

As Bob Hope would say, "Thanks for the memories."

Children need discipline and rules

Is there an adult in the house?

In some (maybe many) households, apparently not. A recent letter to Washington Post advice columnist Carolyn Hax exemplifies the problem. The writer complained to Hax that her in-laws criticized her child-rearing techniques, which, judging from the letter, were not child-rearing techniques at all. The writer and her husband had agreed upon "admittedly somewhat lax" rules for their two sons because the parents found the "noise and energy" to be "fun."

Since at least the 1970s, some parents have approached child-rearing with the attitude that they should preserve the chaotic, free-spirited, disrespectful anarchy of 2-year-olds. Their concept seems to be that children are born perfect and are only constrained and limited by societal rules and expectations. Therefore, these parents banish rules, etiquette, respect for others (especially elders), self-restraint, compassion and helpfulness from the home. It's "Lord of the Flies" for toddlers.

What children need from their parents is not freedom of expression but discipline, order and orientation into society. Children are not born knowing that they should be kind to others and respectful of elders (including their parents) any more than they are born knowing how to tie their shoes. These are learned responses, and if they are not learned early in life, children will have increasing difficulty as they grow older. Elementary schools will expect them to be considerate, to not talk out of turn, to sit quietly at appropriate times and to obey teachers and others in authority. Middle and high schools will expect them to be responsible and self-disciplined and to complete the work assigned to them. Colleges and careers will expect them take on greater responsibilities. Those children who have been reared on the "wilding" theory of child development will have enormous difficulty adjusting to the realities of the world outside of their free-spirited, responsibility-free home.

The letter to Hax raises another issue — the diminution of grandparents' roles. In other societies, village elders were respected for their experience. All grandparents have experience in child-rearing, and their opinions should be respected. Grandparents may not be current on the latest baby gadgets, online resources or nutritional advances, but they know a lot about comforting a child and teaching manners — skills that do not change from one generation to another.

My wife and I are blessed to have wonderful grandchildren who are being reared with the appropriate combination of love and discipline, by parents to know that "to love" is "to discipline." You can see that I found Hax's response a bit too considerate of the mom's undisciplined approach. This episode is more than a disagreement between parents and grandparents over parenting styles; it is a gamble with two little boys' futures. Parenting is the hardest job anyone will ever have; not disciplining and teaching children amounts to playing hooky from the most important job in life.